Sunday, December 27, 2009

Worst Christmas Gifts

You think you got a really bad Christmas gift this year? I know how you feel. I got three presents and either they were gift cards pajamas which i get every occasion, and things my parents thought i loved but i really hate. I told my parents I didn't want it; then walked away. I felt bad, but hell they made me feel bad with what they gave me compared to what they gave my brother! His gift included expensive clothing from Switzerland, Taylor Swift concert tickets, and I bought him something; he didn't buy me anything. It made me feel great and so special; like i wanted to cry i was so mad. Once I read these though, I felt so much better. For the next week I will be posting two new Worst Christmas Gifts given. x.

Randbrick: My grandma was getting pretty senile in her old age... She used to send me money exclusively, which was alright, but in her later years she started becoming creative, and by creative I mean "batshit insane," delighting in sending me really wacky gifts. I remember one Christmas she flew over, and watched eagerly as I unwrapped her present... It was a g-string. A sparkly g-string. I look at it, I freeze, my mind does a couple cartwheels, and then I turn to look at her. She's shining this great big fucking smile at me, like she just farted while stoned, and after a moment, she says, "It's a european bathing suit!!" like that explained everything.

We all just smiled and nodded.

He-Man: When I was 13 my Grandma just went to a San Fransico (novelty store) and bought all these novelty gifts. I ended up with "The Worlds Biggest Condom" in my stocking.

Hinge: For Secret Santa in eighth grade I got one of those shitty magnetic "travel" chess gameboards, the kind that fold in half to keep the pieces inside and is about 6"x3" folded up. Not too bad.

Except that it had a big red "CLEARENCE" tag on it. For 99 cents. AND it was opened! AND sealed back shut with STAPLES!


I was pissed until I saw that it was from the kid in class that we all fucking picked on. Seeing my friend Damien throw the chess game at him from the bus window was gift enough that year.